The Doctor stared into a mirror in the TARDIS wardrobe with a resounding frown. And it was a resounding frown. It really was. He couldn’t remember the last time he had frowned with such authority. It was the eyebrows of course. Had to be. With a long-suffering sigh, he braced his hands against the counter and dropped his head. He was supposed to be meeting back up with Asha today and this was going to be more than a little hard to explain.
A few minutes later he had redressed in a waistcoat, button-up shirt, and dressy black trousers. He’d been going for minimalist but there was no denying it had come out a bit magician. Still, that might score him some points with the circus performer in Asha. One could only hope.
It wasn’t hard to locate her circus on the little blue and green ball that was Earth and he quickly picked her trailer out of the cluster. What was he going to say to her? How could he possibly explain? And what was she going to think of this face? Nevermind simple human shock at the reality of regeneration. She was his wife in all but name and who in their right mind was going to sleep with these eyebrows?
He hung his head a moment and took a deep breath, gathering his courage. At long last he found the nerve to knock on her door.
It was a rare thing for Asha to be in her trailer at this time of day. More often than not, she was practicing in the main tent or out exploring. Today, however, was different. Today she was expecting a visit. A very important one at that.
It’d been a few weeks since the Doctor had last dropped her off at the circus. Needless to say, she was rather excited. She missed the man dearly, but she knew, every once in a while, a break from the madness brought a new-found appreciation for his particular brand of adventure.
Content to wait, she’d just settled down to tea when there came a knock at the door. Cup now forgotten, she jumped from her seat to open the door, a cheerful smile on her face. The person on the other side wasn’t who she’d expected, yet her smile never faltered– though it did lose the hint of excitement it had once held. Brows furrowed curiously, she greeted him with an ever pleasant tone.
They ran headlong into the TARDIS, slamming the doors behind them. The shields were up, the ship was ready and they were safe now. Everything would be okay. Except not everything, not everything at all. The Doctor could feel the slow, warm trickle of blood beneath his clothes, the numbness in his extremities. His steps faltered and he gripped the console for support.
He’d been afraid of this for so long now. It was one of the dangers of opening himself up to Asha. What if, when push came to shove, when she saw what he really was…what if she didn’t want him anymore? What if he even frightened her? Rose had loved him, after all, or thought she did. But she had almost left when she saw his new face, even handsome as it was. She had wanted to go home. And even after everything else that came later, everything they shared, she had been terrified by the prospect of him doing it again.
He was putting it off, stalling for time, but the bullet was lodged in one of his hearts. Had the other not been there to sustain him he would already be gone. He was losing blood fast and he closed his eyes and tried to breathe, lungs pulling in more fluid than air. “Asha,” he gasped. “It’s- It’s happening. I told you, remember? What happens when– I’m about to die…”
His vision became hazy, his brown eyes shining and wet. “I’m not ready!” he choked out. “I’m- n.not…” Suddenly the glow began to fill him up, strange heat baking him like fire, swallowing him whole. He held up a hand and marveled, dizzy, at the golden light radiating from his skin. “You have to get away, Asha,” he warned, voice now hazy and far away. “You’ve got to stand back now. But don’t– don’t be afraid. Please don’t be afraid…”
The inferno reached his skull, setting his soul ablaze. White light poured from his eyes and drifted from his mouth like trails of smoke. “I love you,” he murmured before, like a phoenix, he combusted before her eyes.
She knew something was wrong. The blood staining the front of his suit was enough to tell her that. Were it not for them being chased, she’d have stopped and demanded him to explain, but there had’t been time.
Turning from the doors to him she watched fearfully as he stumbled and gripped the console. Immediately, she ran to his side, her eyes frantically scanning him to find the source of the damage as she helped to ease him to the floor. Tears slowly began to form when she spotted the wound.
That had been the noise she heard. It must’ve been. His breath seemed to grow shorter now and in the panic she’d forgotten exactly what was to happen.
’What do i do?’ She wanted to ask, ’how do i fix this?’ But she couldn’t seem to form the words, only a fearful whimper escaping her lips. She gave a jump as he gasped her name, the fear and pain in his voice raw and unhidden. It was then she realized just how frightening this must be for him too. Shaking hands reached to cup his face and brush through his hair in an effort to comfort him as he spoke.
Thick brows furrowed in confusion for a moment before she finally remembered. He’d told her the first day they met. He was regenerating…
Again, fearful words drew her from her thoughts. He looked so afraid– even more so than she was. Suddenly he began to glow. Struggling to regain her voice, she fought to find the words to calm him.
“I-it’ll be okay.” She choked. it will be. she promised herself. It has to be. He has to be.
The dancer shook her head as he tried to send her away. She didn’t want to go– she didnt want to leave him. Once more he insisted. It would take a moment before she’d pull herself back up to shaky legs, and move to hide behind one of the oddly formed pillars that surrounded the room.
Once there, she peeked from her hiding place, a startled gasp escaping her as she watched him suddenly combust before her. A blast of energy nearly sent her stumbling, then, and she quickly ducked back behind the pillar as she waited for it to end.
He waited in silence, twin heartbeats hammering against his ribcage, for her to rebuff him, to remind him that they were friends and friends only. It was a spark of madness in the first place that had driven him to this confession. The Doctor knew better, had always known better, even with Rose. It was dangerous to let companions get too close, to give them all of himself. It was dangerous to them and dangerous to him as well. Asha was a sensible woman. She would know this of course. She would be the voice of reason and send him on his way.
Confusion, joy, and panic mingled in his chest, then, when she sunk to the floor beside him with a smile. She had every right to be angry at him. He had failed her in both worlds. She had every right to be uncomfortable. He was a much older, much stranger creature than she could really imagine and he was talking about love as if they were the same. He couldn’t understand, then, why she was giggling at him and swiping at his tears.
Then she said it and his mouth dropped open, rather comically in fact. He spluttered for a moment and then stared at her in shock. “You what?” He continued to watch her, struggling to catch his bearings. His eyes followed her movements as she pressed a kiss to his forehead and still he remained immobilized. All this time… she’d loved him too?
It took a moment but finally the humor of the whole thing caught up to him and a short burst of laughter pushed past his lips. “Am I really that thick? Wait, no, don’t answer that,” he amended quickly. Suddenly the universe seemed to be spinning out of control. Possible futures, possible pasts raced through his mind, filling his head with infinitely branching pathways all stretching out from the woman in front of him and radiating complex signals of ecstasy and sorrow, joy and dread. He slammed the vortex shut like a steel trap and tried to ride out the wave of mounting panic it had brought by closing his eyes. Finally he sucked in a breath and before he could worry her too much he opened them again and tugged his usual grin back onto face.
“Right. Well– I s’pose… That’s it then.” Another nervous, giddy chuckle tugged at him. He took her hands in his and allowed his warmth to show in his eyes. “I should probably warn you, though, that this is gonna be bumpy ride.” The Doctor played with her fingers and glanced away. “It’s a funny old life in the TARDIS… –Funny old life with- with me. But if you want to- wellll… I won’t stop you.” Squeezing his eyes shut and taking a deep breath, he tried again. “What I mean is… I’d like that. I really, really would. And– Thank you.”
His laughter, however short-lived it had been, caused her to grin. Before she could catch the wave of panic in his eyes, he quick shut them and took a breath. Her brows drew together for a moment, worried, but before she could question it, he grinned, and spoke.
Asha’s gaze soon dropped to her hands as he took them into his own, before meeting his gaze again. And for a moment, she found herself lost in the warmth she found there.
Laughter of her own bubbled from her lips as he mentioned the ‘bumpy ride’ ahead. She doubted it could truly be any worse, any crazier, than what they’d already been through, but a voice in the back of her head warned her against making such assumptions. After all, as she’d quickly learned, life with him was highly unpredictable. But that was half the fun. Troubles or no, she knew she’d stay as long as he wanted her.
Her smile softened as he struggled for the right words, but it soon became one of puzzlement as he thanked her.
“What for..?” She asked.
A hollow laugh escaped his throat. She wanted to help him. The irony was a bit staggering but he’d talked himself into a corner. Now he’d have to tell her something. He felt indecision bubbling up inside of him but in the end he settled on the truth. For better or worse, she deserved to know.
“Before I left,” he began hesitantly, ”something happened. Something that’s never happened before. I think… I think maybe the TARDIS did it. I’m not sure. But something pulled me into another universe while I slept. Just- not completely”
“In that other universe there was a little girl.” Here he stopped again, swallowing hard before he continued. “Little Asha Vimal, actually. She was just like you, but- not you. Her life was just the same though I think. the same except for me. For some reason she was the only one who could see me. She thought I was her imaginary friend. Only I didn’t just stay with her when she was young. Each night I watched her grow and each night I’d get sent back, whether I wanted to or not.”
Here came the hard part, and he didn’t think that he could say it while he was looking at her so he stared at the floor. A slight tremor came into his hands at the memory. “Then one day they sent you- her- away to that- that place. And each night I went there with her. I saw– what they did to you. Everything. I couldn’t make them stop. No matter what I did, they couldn’t see me, I couldn’t touch them or- or- All I could do was watch.”
He shut his eyes and bowed his head, afraid to even look at her. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. The things I felt, the way that I- came to know you there, in that other place… When it was all done I couldn’t– I didn’t know how to come back to you in this world, to go on like nothing had- had changed.”
She waited patiently as he hesitantly began to explain what might’ve caused whatever had happened, wondering all the while what it might’ve had to do with her.
Dark eyes went wide when me mentioned a little girl– her as a child. Suddenly, she felt her stomach twist in knots. If this was heading where she thought it was…
He went on, explaining how this version of herself believed him to be her imaginary friend– how he’d watched her grow up. A part of her was envious of this version– she’d had someone to talk to. Someone to help her through it all…she could only imagine what that might’ve felt like. But the other part knew. Knew there had to be something more…
suddenly he looked away, his hands trembling as he spoke.
And there it was. He’d with her been through everything– seen everything. Even her own hands began to shake now. A sudden wave of sickness mixed with self-consciousness washed over her. It was one thing to hear about it, but another to truly see it.
A long silence settled over them, then. She understood now. It was no mystery as to why he’d left, why he couldn’t even look at her now. She felt incredibly stupid…disgusted even. Not with him, but with herself. To think anyone could look at her after witnessing… that . To think they’d want to be around her….
Shaking arms moved to wrap around herself, and she immediately ducked her head, using her dark curtain of hair to hide the tears that had begun to form as she stared at the floor. Minutes seemed to pass before she finally spoke, her voice wavering as she did so.
“If that is what you felt then…why bother to come back..? You could have just as easily forgotten me and gone on with your life.”
He stopped abruptly when she stepped into his path but he didn’t look up. Feeling her light touch on his arm, the Doctor shifted his gaze to look at it but he still couldn’t bring himself to look up. The words she was saying should have brought a smile, preferably a nice easy one so that he wouldn’t have to answer questions.
Instead he couldn’t seem to hide the lost look on his face as his eyes finally lifted to hers. “It’s not that simple,” he murmured again in answer. How could he tell her? How could he ever explain what was, at best, an awkward complication of their friendship and, at worst, a terribly unwelcome violation of her privacy. “It’s not that simple…” The words slipped out once more as he settled himself tentatively onto the furniture.
“I saw something. I was– …part of something, that changed so much. I don’t even know where to begin. I’m still not sure how I should feel about it. What I ought to do…” He swallowed hard and glanced up at her again. “Asha, if I did something, which…had to do with you. And it might jeopardize our friendship, you knowing about it… But it wasn’t my fault!” he hurried desperately to add. “It wasn’t anything I ever would have done on purpose, it just…happened. Would you want to know about? Even knowing that it might mess up what we’ve got forever?”
He already knew the answer of course. She was too curious to be able to resist with something like that dangled before her. Still, he might as well stall for time. Maybe once she got around to prying it out of him he’d have figured out explain that he’d been her imaginary friend, witnessed firsthand all that hell that was done to her and been powerless to stop it, and then, as if that wasn’t enough, he’d gone and fallen in love with her. Bloody hell.
“It’s not that simple.” He kept saying, but what wasn’t simple? She didn’t understand. Shaking her head, she began to tell him as much before he cut her off, seemingly unaware that she’d even began to speak.
What he said caused a slew of emotions to settle over her. She was confused, she was scared..but most of all, she was worried. Whatever he’d been through had clearly shaken him; and whatever it was had to do with her..had she done something? Had she hurt him somehow…? The thought that she could ever possibly do such a thing made her feel physically ill.
He went on, unaware of the emotional storm she was going through as he explained. The sickly feeling she’d had disappeared for only a moment as he went on to say that he had done something– been a part of it.
Thick brows drew together as she began to think on what he might’ve done that would affect her so. Few things came to mind, and those that did hardly seemed like anything he’d ever be a part of.
There was a pause, as he asked if she wanted to know what it was. Her gaze fell from his, focusing on the floor as she considered the options. Finally, she looked up at him once more, her expression a mixture of determination and fear.
“Doctor, I’ve only been with you a short while…but in that time all I have ever seen you do is help people. I don’t think there’s ever been a time, that i have seen, that you’ve let a single person help you . Whatever this was has…clearly hit you hard. And I want to help. So, yes, I want you to tell me. I want you to let me help.”
Alright boys and girls, so this decision isn’t quite for sure yet, but just so those of you who do interact with me dont panic….
I’m currently thinking of moving this blog over, and making it simply an inspiration blog for my muse. Fact is, I dont rp on here anymore. No where near as much as I used to. You guys know ive become silent over the past year since the whole break up and move thing. And I’ve become a lot more selective with who i write with. And i think this has been a long time coming. I do still write. Asha is not going away. I dont think she ever really will. But i don’t think she’ll be on tumblr anymore. Or, if she is, it’ll be very rarely.
Im still not sure if this is something i really wanna do just yet. But once i get home, im going to sit down and think long and hard about it. It’s not a decision i wanna make lightly.
But this is just an update to tell you all what may be going on.
"You think you know death, but you don’t. Not until you’ve seen it, ’til you’ve really seen it. It gets under your skin and lives inside you. There’s nothing you can do. Nothing."
